Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
