Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
