My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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