I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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