So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
