she was so not down for the gang bang
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
