I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
