Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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