I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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