but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
