Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
