I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
