i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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