Buhtt sex?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
