Soap is not a condiment
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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