How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I faked an abortion last night.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
