Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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