I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
