Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
