I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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