what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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