my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
