i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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