all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
