I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
