I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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