my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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