I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
