The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
