everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
