I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
