Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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