I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I intend to get homeless drunk
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
