I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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