new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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