They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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