Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
