How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
