I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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