I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
