If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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