I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
