Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't want my vagina anymore.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
