I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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