The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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