just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
