on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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