there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
