ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
