so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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