Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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